god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
