Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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