you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
