I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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