Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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