My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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