Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
