so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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