I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So vagazzling was a success
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
