Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
