if you like me you must not know who I am
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
