I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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