4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We need to get me chipped asap
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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