I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
