Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
