I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
