Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
