the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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