I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
