If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
