I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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