She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
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