He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
