My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
