Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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