I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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