Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
