My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
