Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
