Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
