i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
