Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
