You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
