it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
