So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
