dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
