there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
