If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Your cock deserves a montage
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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