i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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