Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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