Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
