I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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