Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
