grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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