it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
