rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
