walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
