haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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