After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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