Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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