just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
