dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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