your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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