All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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