genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
